i know, i know what it feels like to be alone

Do you know, do you know what it feels like to be alone..

Do you know, do you know what it feels like to be at home..

It's my life, my life...

Just listening to O.A.R. here... realizing some of the lyrics relate to me I guess.

I live in an apartment, on my own. 

Been that way for over a year now. 

I can't tell you how great it is. 

If you're like me I guess...and you like being alone.

But I do have a boyfriend whom I spend a lot of time with so I'm really not home all that often.

Which is fine with me, because I seriously enjoy spending all my time with him. 

But I miss my friends. 

Or what we used to be... 

Everything is easier and more fun and just better when you're young.

I miss being young. 

Carefree

Lighthearted

Loving

Happy

The worst part is that I'm not even twenty yet...

and I already feel this way.

Which means it can only get worse as time goes on. 

That's why I don't want time to go on.

I would be quite alright if the world ended this year but I know it won't happen. 

But when I think about actually dying I really would rather not.

I just want it all to end...

Not just for me to die but have everything

start over

My life

I'm content with my life.
You may judge me because I'm not going to college.
You may think I'm not going to be successful.
You may want me to be important.

But I'm cool with just chillaxin.

I'm definitely not going to continue working at my current place of employment for the rest of my life. In case you were wondering.
But I do enjoy it... a lot!

See, my family has always been workaholics.
I have 3 older brothers and none have gone to college,
But they have turned out just fine.

One owns his own business.
One is living his dreams in Montana.
One is..well I'm not exactly sure what he's doing.. but I know he has a daughter and a girlfriend that he loves very much and he is a great father.

My younger brother, knows exactly what he's doing when he gets out of highschool. He's always been just a tad bit different then the rest of us,
So he's going to college. He wants to be a doctor or some crazy shit like that.

I guess I've always been different too... since I'm the only girl and all.
Well besides my 6 year old sister. She's still got some growing up to do.

I have not a single clue what I want to be when I grow up.
All I know is that I want to be happy. And that's enough for me.

And who knows! Maybe someday I will go to college.
Maybe someday I will figure out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.


But today, I don't want to figure that out.
I don't want to be stuck doing the same thing for the next 50 years.
So for now, I'm content with minimum wage.
But like I said earlier, I'm a workaholic.

So I need at least 40 hours a week.
And I'm not getting that at this job.
So I need another.
I'm on the hunt.
Wish me luck.



Don't worry about me.

Previously..

Alright, so that last one was a little harsh.
I still feel the same though.
I don't take ANY of it back.

In fact, my hatred just got worse today.
You said something to me.
Doesn't happen very often, thank God.

But I ignored you.
Didn't say a word.
Wanna know why?

If I would've opened my mouth the words
"Fuck you"
Would have fallen out.

So I kept my mouth shut.
My mother always said
"If you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all."

So I figure it's best to just

be silent



Not all the time like I said I would.
That's much harder than I thought.
But I keep silent from you.

I'll talk to my mother all I want because I CAN.

But you.

You will not hear my words ever be directed to you.

No no no no no no no no.


P.s. I'm sorry if anyone is reading this, I'm going through a stage where I'm just so freaking angry. It's not all the time, I don't understand how people can possibly be angry all the time...there is so much more to life than furrowed eyebrows and frowns. I laugh a lot, I really do. I'm a happy person. Just not around these motherfuckers. Oh and it doesn't help that I have a pretty bad potty mouth... shwoops! Don't worry, I'm hoping this will soon pass. I just need a way to let out the anger. So I just write it all out.
I also realize I'm not good at writing. But that's okay. I don't care. But THANKS for reading! 
 ....kbai

ohhh how depressing!

selfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfishselfish

You're so damn selfish.

Do you even think about your kids anymore?

You just wanna be with him.

You just wanna spend your time with him.

You miss him.

You need to talk to him.

Well guess what,

I hate him. 

I'm sick of him.

I'm annoyed of him.

I can't listen to him.

 I just plain don't fucking like him.

I feel used around here.

The only time you talk to me is when you're telling me to do something.

Do the dishes

Take the dog out

Buy some milk

Clean the kitchen

Do my laundry

Wash more dishes

Pay my water bill

Where's my rent

Babysit for me 

  Well hey, maybe I wanna spend time with you.

"Oh but I'm going out with him tonight"

..and the next night

and the next night

and the next night.

Well fine then. 

Fuck you.

I'll just walk around this house fucking silent then.

I won't say a word to either of you.

Because now it's not only him I can't stand, 

but you I can't stand. 

Go ahead, try to talk to me now.

Try to hug me now.

You're not getting anything from me.

Nothing but my fucking rent

Which HOPEFULLY SOON 

will be going to someone else

Cause I don't plan to be here for much longer.

fuck

you

both 

 Just remember mom, you brought this on yourself.

 

Say Anything

Ipod

Radio

Computer

Car

Everywhere that I can listen to music, 

I listen to Say Anything.

It's not my fault they're AMAZING.

I just don't really enjoy other music right now.

I go through phases where say anything is all that I listen to.

Apparently, that phase is now...

^^^^^^

Concerts I have been to :)

thin is good

Yesterday I joined a gym.

It's very, very exciting.

We worked out for an hour and a half,
and went tanning!

I enjoy sweating.
That sounds weird, but it's true!
I was on the elliptical for an hour and it was a BLAST.

They have tv's on every machine so I watched a show for that hour, it went by so fast. It was amazing.

We're going again tonight, and hopefully like everyday..

I do want to be thin, for summer.

Don't get me wrong- I'm extremely comfortable with my body.
I just want to lose a few pounds and look nicer.

The way I eat..it's unhealthy to not work some of it off.
So this is good for me.

& I'm enjoying it.

:)

faaaceboook

I'm going through my friends list on facebook right now...
Deleting a lottt of people.

..I just don't care to creep on people anymore.
I delete everyone that I have never talked to or don't plan on ever talking to.
It's really quite entertaining.
I'll randomly be like, "Who is this?"

Also, I deleted a whole bunch of info on my profile cause I'm starting to look at facebook from this guy's point of view.
He thinks facebook is creepy so therefor he does not have one.
I was thinking about it and really, how much do you judge someone by looking at their facebook profile?
I do it!
..We all do.

So I deleted all my information..

• religious views
• movies i like
• where i work
• what school i went to
• books i enjoy
• relationship status

..that sort of shit.

So now, my profile is pretty bare.
But that way if people really want to "get to know me"
They have to talk to me.

& Sure I still have a thousand-some pictures of me on there, but that I can deal with.

I really wish facebook wasn't so consuming in our society though.
Personally, I log on several times a day...
But I believe it is a great way to stay connected with our peers.
Like really, who makes phone calls to people just to say what's up
or texts someone to be like hey, what movies do you like?!

All we have to do is type in their name...
There we've got all the information we neeeed.
Including what they're doing that day. Possibly that moment.
Although, I've noticed that's not really what people use status updates for anymore.
Now it's just song lyrics and funny quotes and whatnot.


I plan to keep my facebook for a very long time...
but that's just me..